Walking with Jesus

This is what it feels like to breath in and out, wake each morning, press forward and struggle on. I have never felt anything as difficult as I have since a month ago. I have never seen suffering like I saw in my own home when my daughter, whom we'd given our whole heart to, was taken from us. I will never forget the feeling of loving her (cutting her cord, touching her lips, hearing her squeak). I will always miss her. But... (how I hate the resignation and finality of that word sometimes), I know God isn't finished. We have been given the Spirit of Adoption. God has adopted us. What greater ministry is there than to open our home and lives to those who have no parents, so they can know the love of our Heavenly Father. There is a growing conviction in my heart. It is beyond mere impulse or sentiment. Christians need to foster and to adopt. The world needs Christians to stand in the gap. The fatherless thousands need fathers. The motherless need a mother's love. This is r...

We saw her born. I cut her cord. We waited. We loved and thanked her birth-parents. We visited with them, ate with them, rejoiced with them. We took her from the hospital. We watched her all night. We hardly slept. We set up stations for changing and sleeping. We fed her. We changed her. We worried about germs. We held her. We prayed over her. We sang to her. We talked to her. We cleaned the stub of her umbilical cord. We memorized her changing little face: her nose, her ears, her blue eyes, her soft dark hair. She was perfect and we fell in love right away. She squeaked. She sighed. She looked at us. She snuggled. She held our fingers. She ate passionately, liked noise better than quiet, and learned to anticipate a camera's flash by the "1 - 2 - 3" that preceded it. Never had either of us been so happy. Yesterday, we packed her things in the car. We started driving back home. I drove. Olivia sat in the back with her. We sang praises to Jesus. Every mile was joy. We stopp...

My life has been forever changed, And my arms forever obligated. My heart is touched by life's first breath, My soul attached to a familiar guest. She stretched her arms and kicked her legs. She cried: a sweet, a soft and gentle sigh Both exhausted and satisfied. She opened her eyes and I fell right in. The blue of first sight fixed on me! Oh! Precious Lord of Peace, who gives such gifts, Give me now your Grace and Wisdom Fit for such a crown, your own... Elora.

It's December 19th, 2008, and Elora is almost here. Thank you for praying us through this process and asking us about our progress each time we see you. Olivia and I are so excited. Actually, we're probably freaking out a bit. Olivia is naturally concerned about having all the stuff cleaned, packed, ready, and in order. The car seat gets checked regularly, the clothes have been washed and sorted, the house is constantly clean and ready. She is already acting like a great mom! She's been writing regular updates on her blog ( http://www.inspiredbygrace.blogspot.com/ ). Meanwhile, I'm trying to get all our finances in order. We'd applied for an adoption loan for the bulk of our adoption expenses and the fund we applied to isn't able to help us out. Additionally, we haven't heard back from any of our grant applications. So, I'm scrambling. It's not the situation you want to be in days before your daughter is born. Some of our friends and family have ch...

This week has been amazing! I've been working like crazy for the holidays. Elora is going to be here sooner rather than later. We're working on the financing for our adoption. Olivia and I had a great time on her birthday. We spent Thanksgiving (to God) Day with my mom and some of our best friends. And, one of Olivia's bridesmaids is flipping the card on her and getting married tomorrow. Of course, Olivia is in the bridal party. I will be in the audience with Olivia's phone gripped tightly in my hand, since we're expecting "the call" at any moment. When it comes, we'll be out of here and on the road to see our daughter born! Elora: God's Crown of Victory!

Several weeks ago I started reading through the New Testament on a 10 week plan. Six days a week I read a few chapters every morning, and on Sundays we went to church. It's actually a plan I designed when I was living in Tanzania, but I felt led to pull it out and do it again. Today is day #1 of the 10th week, the book of Jude, and I think it applies to us today even more than it did when it was first written. But first, let's back up to last Saturday, 2nd Peter. This was the day Olivia and I met our birthmother, and we were nervous. So many thoughts were racing thorough our minds: what if she doesn't like us?, what if she changes her mind?, what if an asteroid lands on the restaurant before we get there?? What a comfort it was to open to my regular Bible reading a find the perfect encouragement... "Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord, according as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto li...

There's no real way to describe my disappointment at this year's election. I'm not only upset about how things turned out in terms of political parties (though this is disappointing) but I am even more disturbed by the ideologies represented by everyone in political leadership in our nation. As a Christian, do I have anyone fighting for what I believe in our government? Yesterday, we met our birthmother for the first time, and thus, met Elora. It was a wonderful meeting surrounded by wonderful new friends and Christian brethren. Truly, Olivia and I experienced the love of the Body this weekend more clearly than most are able to experience! However, we live in troubled times. When my daughter is born, how am I to view the world she is born into? How am I to teach her right from wrong when the world says there are no absolutes (which is of course an absolute statement)? How am I to mold her and protect her in a world that calls discipline child abuse and true crimes aga...

As Olivia's blog readers know, we have finally found Elora. She is due in January, but may well come sooner. Olivia and I are so excited. We got the call on our way to my dad's last weekend in Plano, and this weekend we're going to meet our birthmother. Please pray for us as we travel. This whole process has been an adventure, and I honestly don't have the words to describe it. But, I know that wouldn't trade it for the world. I'd do some things differently, of course, but I wouldn't change the overall picture. There's just too much blessing in it. One of the things I've really discovered this week is the depth of Olivia's love and grace for me. I may not seem like a bad guy, but I have had my dark moments and Olivia has been my wingman through them all. We're a team. We pray for each other, fight for each other, call each other to the floor, and sometimes rub each other the wrong way. Yet, each time we have to fight for what God wants in...

Today, my heart hurts. It hurts because we felt like we'd found our daughter, and we hadn't. It hurts because my sweet Olivia has had to relive the pain of 3 failed pregnancies and years of waiting for God to fulfill this promise. It hurts because I'm ready to be a dad, to change diapers, to tickle toes, to 'nuggle', and to see Olivia look proudly at me as I hold our daughter. It hurts because I miss Natalie, Malachi, and Rachel. It hurts because sometimes things hurt, and this is one of those times. Today, my heart hurts, but my soul must rejoice in the Lord. I must rejoice because God's wisdom is greater than mine, and He loves me. I must rejoice because I feel closer than ever to understanding and knowing my wife. I must rejoice because even if this little girl wasn't Elora, I know she's out there somewhere and we're going to find her. I must rejoice because it's not up to me to make it happen; this is God's promise to keep. I must rejoi...