Walking with Jesus

WARNING! THIS UPDATE CONTAINS SOME VENTING.  :-) I don't want to be up right now, but I am. I don't want to be wrestling with the frustrations I am wrestling with, but I am. I don't want to be out of control, but I am. I feel like I'm trying to surf the internet on someone else's cell phone in an area with bad service and a sign-on page that never really lets you sign on. And, I don't like the internet to begin with! Isn't that funny? Does anyone else ever feel that way? Am I the only one? I especially don't like AOL. I don't like their format. I don't like their ads. I don't like their "news" articles. I don't like the way it takes over your computer. I don't like how slow it is (no matter how new your computer is). I don't like how you can't decide what you see and what you don't. It is just too much, too big, too bulky, too, one-size-fits-all, too in-your-face... The fact that my sweet wife uses AOL on o...

. I'm taking the GRE today. I took it several years ago, but it's been so long that I don't remember my scores and they wouldn't count for the programs I'm applying to anyway. I think I'll do well. I just need to relax and do the test, not worry about what happens after that. The further I go on the journey of pursuing a doctoral degree the narrower our path becomes, for lots of reasons, and I have decided to believe that God is directing each step of the journey. It seems following God's call is often like that. It's like being in a desert and hearing a voice in the distant mountains. You journey toward the voice, but you must enter the hills before you really know which mountain He is calling from. So, you start climbing hills in the general direction of the call. Sometimes you move forward, sometimes sideways, sometimes you back up and travel through a valley to get to a third point beyond the rises on either side. It's a pathless journey at fi...

Spring makes things feel new. The grass is shorn. People have come out of hiding. Short showers dust the parking lot with shoebox car-prints and the day is bright even though you can't see the sun. It's inspiring. I joke with Olivia that I'm solar powered, but I really believe it's true. I've never lived anywhere with a real winter, but my visits have left me with numb fingers, cold toes, and a sense of gloom. I'm sure it's just adjustment, so perhaps we will get real winters someday. For now, I need the sun and I'm glad for Spring. It reminds me of Easter, of life over death, and of hope. There are so many things I still don't know, so many I've yet to experience. They are still out there, waiting to be discovered. It's growth, learning, clensing, and the renewal of conviction for life. Gone now, the hibernation of my spirit. Rise now, lion of Brigham. :-) On second thought, maybe I would like real seasons?

I have a lot of growing up to do! Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really get there. I'm too sensitive to the wrong things. I get offended rather than hear the cry for comfort and assurance. I get upset when I feel put down or unloved. I've definitely some real moments of insecurity. In ways, I'm not very mature sometimes. But, in other ways, I've been too mature for my own good. I grew up really quickly as a child. I didn't do it because I had to. I had a good family with a lot of opportunity to enjoy my childhood. I grew up as quickly as I could simply because I wanted to. I wanted to be somebody, something more than I was. I constantly tried to see past what was going on around me. I was always more interested in what was next than in what was right in front of me. As a result, I'm afraid that I missed a lot of beautiful moments, and took a lot of people for granted, simply because I was too busy trying to grow up. Moreover, I never really learned to li...

Whether patients, doctors, nurses, staff, or visitors, most of the people we've met during this time at the hospital have had three things in common: 1) They are very real. 2) They easily talk about spiritual realities. 3) They are nice people. 1) Here people are real. Being in the hospital has the tendency to push aside the facade of Western culture that delegates the fragility of life to the periphery. Some of these people are here because they or someone they know is getting well, while for others someone is finishing their days with as much grace and dignity as possible. Some are helpers. Some are hurting. Some are coherent. Others are not. Most are kind. Many are easy to talk to. Some are lonely. And, a few are cranky. With the notable exception of the influence of medications, who you are in the hospital is who you really are. 2) Here people talk about faith and God. Every person you meet understands that God is a perfectly acceptable topic for conversation. There are n...

This is from an email to our friends: Hello, friends. I hope this email finds you all blessed and walking under the fullness of the grace we have been given. Allow me to update you briefly and then share our prayer request. I'd also like to apologize to our new friends whom we haven't written. Even with everything that has been going on, I have no good excuse. We'd love to hear from you! Our trip was amazing! We still think about it every day. We prayed for a couple of weeks after we returned, and felt we couldn't make a move to the land right now. We also found out we were pregnant again, which was an amazing blessing to us. We found a doctor, applied for Medicaid, settled on a name, pulled out the pregnancy clothes, and prayed constantly. Because of our difficult history with pregnancies, we told only a very few people as we felt the Lord was leading. On Wednesday, June 25th, we went in for a special appointment to see the baby because Olivia's numbers were ...

Sometimes love is the surrender of the candle; Sometimes love is the passion of the flame. Sometimes love, it confounds me completely. Sometimes love has a peaceful, gentle name. Sometimes love can turn my weeping into laughter; Sometimes love turns all my joys into tears. Sometimes love flashes hotly like light'ning. Sometimes love grows more slowly, like the years. Sometimes love means hurting and crying together; Sometimes love means rejoicing in our pain. Sometimes love means clinging to the promise, And finding the rainbow despite the rain.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who go through life and never know anything, and then there are those who suffer. Right now it sucks to be those who suffer, but it's the only way we really know . Once again, we are suffering. Once again a child has been lost to us. Once again, Olivia and I hurt, question, and hope. But, this time is different. We saw Rachel's heartbeat on two occasions, a rare treat this early in pregnancy made possible because of the risks involved in our situation. I can still see it: 140 beats per minutes of life, the raw power of existence declaring, " I am here!" They were glimpses of innocence and power and I will always be thankful for them. This time we know each other better, love each other more deeply, and are able to understand each other's pain more fully. This time we know what comes next for us. This time everything was going well, but turned in an instant. This time we prayed, believed, and called for pra...

I believe God loves me. I believe God is good. I believe God is faithful and will not fail to keep His promises. I believe God wants me to find Him in all the aspects of my life. I believe that my belief is not up to me; it is a gift from Him. I believe this gift is available to anyone who accepts it. How it must break the heart of God when we refuse Him. It is not as if He needs us, or fears our rejection. God simply wants us. He created us for fellowship with Him. He loves us and knows that only He can fulfill us. Yet, God will not force us to find Him. " Love is not love unless it is chosen ." Therefore, God restricts Himself, forcing Himself to wait and watch despite the longing of His heart for us to find our purpose and meaning in Him. He makes room for our free will, knowing that many of us will always choose something less. His heart breaks, but it breaks for us. We're in a waiting time. Olivia and I have seen God fulfill so many of His promises. We've been s...