A Recipe for Disaster!
I have a lot of growing up to do! Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really get there. I'm too sensitive to the wrong things. I get offended rather than hear the cry for comfort and assurance. I get upset when I feel put down or unloved. I've definitely some real moments of insecurity. In ways, I'm not very mature sometimes. But, in other ways, I've been too mature for my own good.
I grew up really quickly as a child. I didn't do it because I had to. I had a good family with a lot of opportunity to enjoy my childhood. I grew up as quickly as I could simply because I wanted to. I wanted to be somebody, something more than I was. I constantly tried to see past what was going on around me. I was always more interested in what was next than in what was right in front of me. As a result, I'm afraid that I missed a lot of beautiful moments, and took a lot of people for granted, simply because I was too busy trying to grow up. Moreover, I never really learned to live in the experience as a child.
Unfortunately, I've brought some of this mentality into our marriage. Although I have been growing in my ability to live in the present since college, I still struggle with spending too much time planning for the future. And, I sometimes still miss good moments. I'm not literally sitting down with my 2010 calendar, but as I go through daily life my mind often drifts to all the possible NEXT's. Combine with this my residual insecurities, my pride, my temper, and my relational ignorances and you've got a recipe for disaster!
Sadly, I didn't know about a lot of these issues until it was too late to protect my Olivia from them, and being married to me has sometimes been challenging for her. Fortunately for me, she is an incredible wise, patient, and forgiving woman with great inner strength. Olivia's not perfect, but she is real, she is very intelligent about these sorts of things, and she has more than once helped me learn and understand the emotions I'm experiencing. Do I sound like a child? Do I sound immature? I suppose I do. That's the point! Sometimes, I am.
Or, am I finally starting to gain some maturity? Am I finally starting to get it? Is there potential for continued growth and maturity in these real areas of life we so often sweep under the rug and ignore? I believe there is. Yes, I can be immature, but I can also grow!
I hope writing this doesn't embarrass my wonderful bride, but who of my friends and family doesn't already know what a jerk I can be? Who hasn't seen my pride? Who hasn't heard my arrogance or self-pity? So, I guess I'm the last to see it, but this is not the last of the story.
I have a lot to offer, and if I can get out of my own way then I expect God will be able to do some pretty cool stuff through me. He believes in me, even when I don't! I was talking with someone last Wednesday, and she asked me why I wasn't doing ministry, since that's what I really want to do. The bluntness of my answer surprised me, since Olivia and I had only just met this person.
"I'm not in a position of ministry because of ME. I came back from Africa really excited and I wanted to light a fire under the pews in our Churches and get people motivated to not just sit there. What I had to learn, however, was that most of those people weren't just sitting there because they were lazy. They were just sitting there because they were hurting, or afraid, or didn't understand how much God believe in them. I came to see that while I loved people in general, persons often annoyed me. I had to learn to really love them."
This seemed like an amazing revelation in my life when it came a few years ago. But, it was only the beginning.
"In the same way, now that we're married, I need what Olivia brings to my life. I need to keep learning, to keep growing. god is using her to encourage me who He wants me to be."
The Lord Jesus has given me so much! He has given me Olivia, and Gracey, a challenging workplace, more responsibility than ever, and the memory of Natalie, Malachi, and Rachel. Now, being a minister is not about finding a church and preaching. It can't be! I'm too susceptible to arrogance. Ministry for me must be about loving my wife the way Christ loves all of us. And, when we find our family, ministry must be about learning and living in God's heart as a father. Ministry must be about being a man of constant character, provision, and peace. Ministry must be about becoming like Jesus, not just telling people to become like Jesus. God is more concerned about what I do with ME in light of HIM than with what I do for MYSELF in HIS name.
I have so far to go! I have so much to learn, so much to unlearn, and so much to hope for. Yes, in my hands, my life could easily be a recipe for disaster. BUT, under Jesus' hand it can be delicious!
I grew up really quickly as a child. I didn't do it because I had to. I had a good family with a lot of opportunity to enjoy my childhood. I grew up as quickly as I could simply because I wanted to. I wanted to be somebody, something more than I was. I constantly tried to see past what was going on around me. I was always more interested in what was next than in what was right in front of me. As a result, I'm afraid that I missed a lot of beautiful moments, and took a lot of people for granted, simply because I was too busy trying to grow up. Moreover, I never really learned to live in the experience as a child.
Unfortunately, I've brought some of this mentality into our marriage. Although I have been growing in my ability to live in the present since college, I still struggle with spending too much time planning for the future. And, I sometimes still miss good moments. I'm not literally sitting down with my 2010 calendar, but as I go through daily life my mind often drifts to all the possible NEXT's. Combine with this my residual insecurities, my pride, my temper, and my relational ignorances and you've got a recipe for disaster!
Sadly, I didn't know about a lot of these issues until it was too late to protect my Olivia from them, and being married to me has sometimes been challenging for her. Fortunately for me, she is an incredible wise, patient, and forgiving woman with great inner strength. Olivia's not perfect, but she is real, she is very intelligent about these sorts of things, and she has more than once helped me learn and understand the emotions I'm experiencing. Do I sound like a child? Do I sound immature? I suppose I do. That's the point! Sometimes, I am.
Or, am I finally starting to gain some maturity? Am I finally starting to get it? Is there potential for continued growth and maturity in these real areas of life we so often sweep under the rug and ignore? I believe there is. Yes, I can be immature, but I can also grow!
I hope writing this doesn't embarrass my wonderful bride, but who of my friends and family doesn't already know what a jerk I can be? Who hasn't seen my pride? Who hasn't heard my arrogance or self-pity? So, I guess I'm the last to see it, but this is not the last of the story.
I have a lot to offer, and if I can get out of my own way then I expect God will be able to do some pretty cool stuff through me. He believes in me, even when I don't! I was talking with someone last Wednesday, and she asked me why I wasn't doing ministry, since that's what I really want to do. The bluntness of my answer surprised me, since Olivia and I had only just met this person.
"I'm not in a position of ministry because of ME. I came back from Africa really excited and I wanted to light a fire under the pews in our Churches and get people motivated to not just sit there. What I had to learn, however, was that most of those people weren't just sitting there because they were lazy. They were just sitting there because they were hurting, or afraid, or didn't understand how much God believe in them. I came to see that while I loved people in general, persons often annoyed me. I had to learn to really love them."
This seemed like an amazing revelation in my life when it came a few years ago. But, it was only the beginning.
"In the same way, now that we're married, I need what Olivia brings to my life. I need to keep learning, to keep growing. god is using her to encourage me who He wants me to be."
The Lord Jesus has given me so much! He has given me Olivia, and Gracey, a challenging workplace, more responsibility than ever, and the memory of Natalie, Malachi, and Rachel. Now, being a minister is not about finding a church and preaching. It can't be! I'm too susceptible to arrogance. Ministry for me must be about loving my wife the way Christ loves all of us. And, when we find our family, ministry must be about learning and living in God's heart as a father. Ministry must be about being a man of constant character, provision, and peace. Ministry must be about becoming like Jesus, not just telling people to become like Jesus. God is more concerned about what I do with ME in light of HIM than with what I do for MYSELF in HIS name.
I have so far to go! I have so much to learn, so much to unlearn, and so much to hope for. Yes, in my hands, my life could easily be a recipe for disaster. BUT, under Jesus' hand it can be delicious!
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