Why Marriage Is Hard [part two]



This morning we are going to continue the sermon we began last week related to why marriage is sometimes hard. If you will recall, we were reading in the first chapters of Genesis, and even before the Fall we made some observations that helped shed some light on the difficulties of relationships in general and in particular male/female relationships like marriage.

 

Our goal is to look at some of the foundational reasons marriage takes so much work. In doing so we are trying to build a foundation upon which to investigate all the particular issues and questions which arise in our relationships and make marriage what it is. We aren’t going to address everything about why our marriages can be difficult, simply start down a path to understanding what causes some of the dynamics we often find so confusing, even frustrating, in a particular member of the opposite sex.

 

Beginning in Genesis One, we talked about GOD and how we are both created equally and perhaps compositely in God’s image. This involves reflecting God’s impressive creativity, innate spirituality, and ability to speak powerfully. It also means we reflect God’s ability to judge, to discern between different things, as we saw the LORD do in Chapter One. Being created in the image of God also means we have the power to give life and establish governances, and have a natural desire for others to whom we can relate. Also, we saw that God enjoys what He has made

 

We read about CREATION, and saw an emphasis on the equality of women and men.

 

1) Both are created in God’s image

2) He gives dominion to both – We represent God to creation

3) He speaks to both the man and the woman

4) With humanity on the scene it is very good.

 

Four verses into Genesis Chapter Two we read a more detailed creation account of creation as it relates to US. It provides more details about our creation and more specifics about our roles as people, as men and as women.

We considered MAN. We talked about Dust + Breathe = Living Male Human Being and what it means for a man to be described by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit here as both dust and breathe, or flesh and spirit. Man is more conflicted in the battle between the dust of the earth and the breath of God. I think we decided that men are naturally DIRTIER than women.

 

The man was given a job, which is different than the “dominion” given to both the man and the woman in Chapter One. What we see here in Chapter Two is specific work given to the man. It is howhe is to exercise his particular position as the male representative of the image of God. He is to tend and to keep.

 

From the very beginning men and woman are different and are intended to be that way in their persons, in their thinking, and in their actions.

 

There was, of course, also the mention in these verses of a restriction. There was one rule, one forbidden fruit, one test of loyalty to the Creator. However, at this point in the story, the fruit is merely a foreshadowing of possibilities. As we go through the story historically, we see that obedience was also a real option, for the Tree of Life was also planted in the center of the garden.

 

Next, we considered the idea of a HELPER. For the first time, we hear the LORD say something is “not good”. And what is it? It’s us – alone. As human beings, we are created in the image of a relational God: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. We were created to relate to that God, and we were created to relate to others like ourselves.

 

So, when the text says, “It is not good that man should be alone,” it’s talking about our human nature. We are meant to live life together! We need each other. It’s in our DNA. It’s who we are. We’re just made that way.  There was no other creature that the LORD had made who could be a companion to the man in the way he really needed, in the way that answered his “not good” situation.

 

We considered what the word “helper” means and it’s really quite impressive. It has to do with the assistance that one of strength offers to one in need. It describes a strong partnership. It reminds us that we are warriors in a spiritual battle. It contains no sense of subordination.

The Hebrew word is only used 21 times in the Bible: twice to describe Eve, 3 times in a military context, and sixteen times to describe God!

 

Then, we read about the WOMAN, or as Adam might have said, the “WOE! MAN!”

 

The woman’s creation is different than the man’s. In, God is not only hands on, but He’s a compassionate artist. He creates woman from Adam’s rib. She is his equal. She is created from him and for him. She belongs to him and comes from close to his heart. She is presented by God as a gift to the man. She is a treasure, a surprise, a mystery.

 

We also saw something new in Genesis 2:24: Sacrifice. Before the Fall, before the honeymoon, before anything else, God’s gift of the woman to the man is answered by the principle of sacrifice: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

 

Adam is establishing a pattern, one that reflects his own willingness to cherish, value, protect, and give up everything he has for the woman who is trusting him with her most precious possession (her SELF). Adam knew he needed Eve, and he was willing to give up his own life to receive her. THEREFORE the principle is established: Being a husband requires sacrifice. It always has and it always will.

 

Finally, we saw the man and woman, the husband and his wife, TOGETHER. “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” No secrets. No shame. Total Unity.

 

We see their situation, and even in the ways it is different from our own, we can see where some of our troubles come from. In so many ways, we simply aren’t like them, are we?

 

He’s self-sacrificing. She’s a strong companion. They rule over God’s perfect creation together. They don’t fight. They don’t get their feelings hurt. They are both creative, both spiritual, both discerning… They are both “very good”.

 

And, so, we come to the final chapter in our sermon, Genesis Chapter 3.

 

TEMPTATION: THE LIE OF DOUBT

Read Genesis 3:1-5

 

All temptation to disobey God begins with a lie. Now, the enemy is good at what he does, and he knows that simply saying, “You can’t trust God!” won’t work. He isn’t that obvious. He uses subtlety and distortion. He mixes doubt and truth into his lie to hide the destruction he hopes to bring about.

 

If I were to tell you that I can fly, just raise my arms and think a happy thought and float away like Peter Pan, you wouldn’t believe me, would you? You might even think I’m crazy. That lie is too obvious. But, if I told you I can fly an airplane (which I cannot) and you didn’t know any better, I could probably convince you that I could. After all, people do know how to fly planes and I could describe a cockpit and some basic rules of lift and aerodynamics. I could even take credit for a story or two I’ve heard from people who do know how to fly, or tell you about the time I went flying with my Grandfather and he told me to grab the stick and then turned off the autopilot. I could make a pretty convincing argument, but I’d still be lying if I told you I can fly an airplane.

 

That’s how the enemy works. He doesn’t just lie; he lies well. He doesn’t just tell you to disbelieve God, he gives you specific reasons. Jesus says of him, “He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44)

 

So, the serpent says, “Has God indeed said...?” He invites conversation. There’s nothing wrong with conversation is there? No, not inherently, but it opens the door, it gives a foothold, it lowers the defenses.

 

This is one of the reasons we’re so vigilant in what sort of entertainment, movies, and music we allow into our home. Moral compromise is a slippery slope, and the enemy is an avid student of human nature. He knows that all he has to do is lead our foot off of the firm path and we will more than likely begin to slip into darker places. (music, TV, movies, billboards, the newsstand at the checkout line, the attractive coworker we see no harm in admiring for just a moment…)

 

Some might suggest that the lie doesn’t happen until verse 4, but I’d submit to you that even the serpent’s question is a lie, because he is suggesting that God is saying something He did not say.

“Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree in the garden?’” In fact, God specifically told them to get their food from “every herb that yields fruit according to its kind, and every tree whose fruit yields seed.” (Genesis 1:29) So, even the serpent’s question contains a lie.

 

The foundation for Satan’s deception, his lie of doubt in the goodness and trustworthiness of God is that introduces doubt into our conversation:

 

“Has God indeed said…? Why would He say that? It doesn’t make any sense! Look at that fruit. It’s just fruit! What’s the big deal? Surely it couldn’t hurt anything. There must be something else going on here. Maybe God is holding out on you? Maybe He doesn’t have your best interest at heart after all? Perhaps God isn’t as trustworthy as He says. Maybe what you DO have isn’t as good as what you COULD have and He’s trying to hold you back? What if God doesn’t really love you as much as He says He does? What if He loves someone else more than you and the reason you can’t have this thing is because God doesn’t think you deserve His best like some people? Sure HE says He loves you, but really, how can you ever really know what God thinks? What if He isn’t who He says He is? How can He say He loves you and then put this thing right in front of you and say it’s wrong to taste (look, touch, admire, compliment, flirt with, try out, share intimate thoughts with, taste…?Would a good and loving God really do that? Maybe you can’t trust Him after all?”

 

As I read this passage, I can’t help but ask myself some questions. I’m not going to pretend that I would have done anything different than the woman did. I’m not even going to suggest that she was more vulnerable to deception than the man, although some commentators say that’s why the serpent approached her.

 

But, in hindsight (which is 20/20, right?) I do wonder what would have happened if the woman hadn’t answered the serpent. What if there had been NO CONVERSATION? What if she had just walked away? Or, what if she had said, “Why don’t you ask God about that?” What if she hadn’t ever engaged the deceiver and opened the door to temptation?

 

James 4:7 says, “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” But, that isn’t what happened is it. Eve didn’t resist the devil and he didn’t flee. Instead, she “just talked” to him.

 

Of course, I don’t suppose she’d ever seen deception before, do you? Not in this way. I don’t know. We can give the woman a hard time because the lies of the enemy seem so obvious to us as we watch her story unfold. As if we would have done it differently. Yet, how many times have we believed a lie that was obvious to others but that we couldn’t see at all?

 

For myself, I can say with some confidence that I would not have done it any differently than she did. I can’t be 100% sure, but I think I would have failed the test as well. Why? Because I do it all the time!

 

Reread Genesis 3:4-5

 

These two verses are a consequence of the woman’s conversation with the deceiver. He has engaged her. She has opened the door. Notice that while his lie has become more transparent, his desire is still hidden. The serpent does not tell her to eat the fruit. The devil doesn’t make her do it. He simply invites her to doubt the goodness of God.

 

Read Genesis 3:6

 

SIN

 

Nothing that has happened up to this point has been a sin. It is not a sin to be tempted. It is not a sin to doubt. It is not even a sin to question the goodness of God. But, these things contribute to the woman’s sin. They open the door and give sin a foothold.

 

Nor is the fruit itself sinful. Now that the woman is focused on the fruit instead of on the LORD, she sees that it is good. And, it is good. It is a) good for food, b) pleasant to the eye, and c) able to make one wise.

 

It is only eating the fruit that is bad, because it rejects God. It rejects His control over our lives. It rejects His goodness and love for us. It rejects His wisdom and plan for our lives. It rejects the boundaries He has established to protect us. It is that rejection, not the fruit, which is sin.

 

This verse contains a lot of verbs. They’re just crammed in there like Eve is trying to just get it done before she changes her mind, before she doubts her doubt and comes to her senses. She is a creature of the heart, and her emotions have gotten involved. She wants the fruit now, and that want has become a need.

She sees. She takes. She eats. She gives it to her husband, and he eats. Verbs, action, no time for thought or reflection.

 

Read Genesis 3:7-9

 

THE FALL

 

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened…”It sounds like it should be a good thing, doesn’t it? They have gained knowledge. They are now more like God. They now understand good and evil. Everything the serpent said would happen has come true. But, everything God said is also coming true.

 

Genesis 2:17: “…for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die”

 

So, what died? Innocence? Purity? Unity? Do you remember where we finished last week? Genesis 2:25: “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” We saw the man and woman, the husband and his wife, TOGETHER in a perfect marriage. No secrets. No shame. Total Unity. But, now that’s all gone. It’s dead.

 

Death enters the picture in a lot of other ways because of the Fall, but our focus this morning is on marriage, on human relationship, especially between men and women, and why they are often so difficult. I haven’t forgotten.

 

But, we needed to see what we lost, because while we were both created equal, we were also created different. We needed to see the unity of the first marriage in order to understand God’s design. And, we needed to see how that unity was lost so that we understand how to deal with the new realities of married life in order to treat each other with love, grace, and understanding.

Before we go on to some specific observations from the passage I just read and some particular consequences of the Fall, especially in terms of marriage, I want to back up for just a moment and offer a suggestion that you may not have heard before.

 

The woman was deceived. Indeed, we will see her say as much in verse 13, and God does not contest the fact. She was deceived. BUT, the man was not deceived; at least there is no indication that he was deceived. Whereas the serpent tricked the woman and we might be inclined to have some compassion for her position, what does it say about the man?

 

Actually it says very little. Perhaps the woman tricked him? Perhaps, since he was “with her” he also believed the serpent’s lie when he should have been casting him away as the keeperand tender of the garden? Or, perhaps he chose the woman (or himself) over God? Perhaps the man’s is the sin of actual, deliberate rebellion?

 

After all, 1 Corinthians 15:22says, “For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ we will be made alive.”

 

Also, Hosea 6:7 says Adam “transgresses the covenant,” and Romans 5:14 says, “death reigned from Adam until Moses.” In contrast, 1 Timothy 2:14 affirms that “Adam was NOT deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.” So, if Adam was not deceived like the woman was, doesn’t that make his sin all the worse than hers?

 

But, let us return to our text.

 

Reread Genesis 3:7

 

THE COVERUP

 

Their eyes have been opened and they now know that they are this thing called NAKED, only now that isn’t a good thing anymore. It isn’t about honesty and mutual vulnerability; it’s about exposure, fear, and weakness. Their nakedness has been ruined and is now a source of shame. Therefore, they cover themselves, but their covering in not adequate, as we shall see.

 

Reread Genesis 3:8

Who is this walking in the garden? I’d love to get into the biblical reasons I have for believing this but as it is this is already the longest sermon I’ve ever given. So, I’m spare you and simply suggest that we might imagine this figure in a variety of ways, including a pre-incarnate Emmanuel, “God with us.” As we mentioned last week, God’s walking in the garden was probably not unusual; it was his habit, part of how he enjoyed and interacted with His creation. So, when He arrives on the scene, he’s looking for his favorite creation: us. But, we’ve hidden ourselves.

Reread Genesis 3:9

 

It would be foolish to suggest that God really didn’t know where the man and woman were, so why does He ask the question?

 

God often asks questions in Scripture that He already knows the answer to:

 

a) Genesis 18:17-18: “Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do [about Sodom and Gomorrah], since Abraham will surely become a great and mighty nation, and in him all the nations of the earth will be blessed?

 

b) Genesis 16:8: “Hagar, Sarai’s maid, where have you come from and where are you going?”

 

c) Jonah 4:4, 9, 11: “Do you have any reason to be angry? ... Do you have any reason to be angry about the plant? ... Should I not have compassion on Nineveh, the great city in which there are more than 120,000 persons who do not know the difference between their right and left hand, as well as animals?”

 

d) Matthew 14:31 (to Peter): “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”Are you kidding me? He’s walking on water in the middle of a deadly storm, and we suppose Jesus might not understand why he doubts!

 

Read Genesis 3:10

 

How strange that Adam was afraid because he was naked. He doesn’t say, “I heard you and I was afraid because I sinned against you.” or “I heard you and I was afraid because I failed to protect my wife.”Instead, his reasoning is completely self-centered. His view of reality has lost its outward focus. The man is now focused on his own flesh. Isn’t that interesting? He, who is described in Genesis as the dust of the ground and the breath of God’s nostrils, has fallen into a state where he is more concerned with his flesh than his spirit.

 

What does this say about the nature of men? What does it say that we are now naturally more concerned about preserving ourselves than about our wives or our God?

 

Well, for one thing it tells me why we have a hard time functioning as the heads of our households. You see, God established men as the leader for the family back in Genesis 2, before the Fall. Yet, the first fruit of sin we see in the man’s life is his failure in that role. It is no longer easy for him to keep and to tend to those under his care. He now has a sin nature, and he must overcome that sin nature in order to be who God created him to be.

 

Therefore, rather than condemning men for failing to be spiritual leaders for their wives and children, I see here an amazing commendation for those men whom God gives the grace to overcome their sin nature in order to lead their families in the way of the LORD. As we saw in Genesis 2:24, marriage has always required men to sacrifice, but now the sacrifice goes against their grain rather than with it. This makes marriage hard.

 

Read Genesis 3:11-12

 

The man also refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. He doesn’t want that burden. Instead, he blames. He blames the woman and he blames God: “The woman whom YOU gave me…”

 

Read Genesis 3:13

 

And now it’s the woman’s turn. She’s a quick learner isn’t she? Her husband has set the example, and she’s more than willing to follow along, at least as far as it can get her out of trouble. So, she plays the blame game as well: “The serpent deceived me…”

 

I wonder what would have happened if they’d accepted responsibility for their actions? Would the story have been any different? Would the coming consequences have been mitigated at all? After all, Adam’s consequences (which are not the same as punishment) begin with “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife…” As in, “Because you listened to her instead of to me…” which is exactly the excuse Adam uses in verse 12.

 

As it stands, all they can do is barely squeak out three little words of apologetic confession in their shifting of blame to others: “… and I ate.”

 

You see God; it was really the woman, whom, by the way, YOU gave to me. She gave me the fruit and I trusted her, so what could I do, right. So, SHE gave it to me…. and, well… yeah, I ate it… BUT SHE GAVE IT TO ME. So, it’s not really my fault you see?”

 

Read Genesis 3:14-15

 

CONSEQUENCES

 

Notice that God doesn’t ask the serpent what his motivation was. He knows what we don’t learn until Revelation 12:9 and 20:2: This is Satan himself, the Father of Lies and accuser of mankind, the rebel who is cast out of heaven for rebellion against the Almighty, the scourge of God who will attack the heel of Christ and be crushed under his foot.

 

Read Genesis 3:16

 

For the Woman: multiplied sorrows in her role, pain in bringing forth children, a desire for her husband's authority, and being ruled over because of her sin instead of led according to his role as husband. Notice especially that her desire is "for" her husband. This construction is only used one other time in Scripture: In the very next story, GOD warns Cain that sin is crouching at the door and its desire is "for" him (or actually "against" or "for his downfall"). Yet, he should rule over it.  Therefore, the woman's desire is "against" her husband's leadership. Consequently, the struggle of a wife to be led by her husband is part of the curse.

 

According to Ephesians 5, it is also a symbol of the church's struggle to be led by Christ. (ex: Is not the Catholic religion a glorification of the Body instead or its Lord?) In fact, all four points of the woman's curse point to the struggle of the church to be the body of Christ, with its focus on Him rather than itself.

 

The same will now be true for the woman. Whereas the wife was created to be a strong helper for her husband, it is now going to be a struggle for her to be under authority, to trust another enough to give them a determinative voice over your life. I mean, he did just betray his promise to protect her by shifting the blame onto her shoulders, right?

 He basically said, “Hey, I know I promised to love, honor, and cherish, but there’s no way I’m taking the heat for this. Sorry, you’re on your own. It was HER, Lord.”

 

There are some seriously deep-rooted trust issues here.

 

Yet, that trust is precisely what God asks of wives because it is what Christ requires of the church. It’s the picture He is trying to paint with our marriages, but it’s hard for us because we’re now flawed. Husbands are the head of the family because Christ is the head of the church, not because they are better or more qualified. In fact, humanly speaking, husbands are sometimes the worst choice for leadership. But, in a Christian marriage, his qualification is completely irrelevant.

 

Therefore, motivated by her desire to fulfill God's purpose for her role in marriage, a wife must place her trust in the Lord as she accepts the headship of her husband under God's plan. This is difficult, but it is also a place of protection, covering, and spiritual purity according to the revealed Word of God. A place the first man failed to provide and that a husband today will provide imperfectly at best. This requires great faith on the part of the woman and it’s another of the things that makes marriage so hard.

 

Read Genesis 3:17-19

 

For the Man: a cursed world, hard labor, rebellious (thorny) fruit, hard-earned sustenance for himself and his family, and death. The death is particularly relevant, for it relates to the judgment of the serpent and provides the means for salvation. After all, “we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) But, right now it just looks bad.

 

Of course, the man is also impacted by the woman's new struggle to let him lead. Again, the man's curse reflects Christ and his labor to redeem the world, whom he desires to present to himself as "a glorious congregation, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing... holy and without blemish" and whom he loves as his own body, nourishing and cherishing it as bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. (Genesis 2:23)

 

Husbands, can you imagine the difficulty involved here? You’re talking about leading someone (down a path you aren’t qualified to travel) who doesn’t want to be led, who is born with a sense that you’ve already betrayed their trust, and whose has the god-like strength of a HELPER but is innately resistant to taking a supporting role. Hmmm… maybe you can. J

 

But, here’s what I want to encourage you with. Ephesians 5 has a lot to say to both husbands and wives. But, to wives it says, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord.” (5:22) Notice it is only a statement about the marriage relationship, not about general rules for men and women. If a woman cannot accept this role than she ought not to get married, just as a man shouldn’t get married unless he is prepared to obey the model of Genesis 2:24.

 

So, to men I would say that your wife has been called to do something completely against her sin-scarred nature and according to 1 Peter 3:7 we are to “live with our wives in an understanding way… since she is a woman.” If you are leading (and that’s a big IF) and she fails to follow, then it is only in line with her sin nature. It isn’t personal and it isn’t your responsibility to fix just as it as a wife cannot refuse to follow simply because her husband isn’t a spiritual leader.

 

HOWEVER, if a wife does trust herself to your care, then that is something to be celebrated. Therefore, rather than condemning our wives for sometimes failing to let us lead, we should rather commend them for the victory it requires when they do so against their very nature.

 

The husband’s position calls for responsibility and sacrifice. Without these two, his authority is mute; he cannot lead in the way God calls Christ to lead the church. A wife must humble herself, but the husband's role demands a different kind of humility. He knows that he is not qualified, inadequate to his task. Yet, he must learn to love his wife as his own body because this is how Christ loves his people. He must learn to lay down his life for his wife, because Christ has lain down his life for him. He must give, labor, and toil for the benefit of one who innately rejects his leadership before he can even hope to receive any benefit to himself, knowing that it may never come. This too is a difficult work. In fact, without Christ it is absolutely impossible. And, even with Christ it seems almost so.

The husband must trust the Lord to guide and use him in his role as a husband with no assurance of success or acceptance. He must bear the burden of responsibility for actions over which he does not have final control because this is what Christ has done for the world.

 

A few more verses and we’ll be done.

 

Read Genesis 3:20

 

MAN’S RESPONSE

 

Don’t skip over this. What Adam does here is very important. He again takes up his fallen mantle of leadership and he gives his wife a name that represents hope and redemption. EVE: the mother of all living. It offers a new promise, a new confidence, based not in him, like the name WOMAN, but based on God’s promise in verse 15. Through her, and through her seed, will come the LORD’s salvation.

 

Marriage still requires sacrifice, but now it requires something more: FAITH. Not the faith of innocence they once knew, but the faith to reject the sweet taste of forbidden fruit now known from experience. Their marriage is no longer perfect. There is lost trust. There has been betrayal. Their different roles are still there, but corrupted and often burdensome. There will be fights. There will be times without unity. They will get their feelings hurt and hurt each other in return. In fact, if they can survive it at all, it will be a miracle. But, a miracle is exactly what they are believing for.

 

One more thought: Read Genesis3:21-24

 

God provides real covering for them. It’s a direct contrast to the man and woman’s inadequacy to cover over their shame in verse 7. It’s a deliberate picture of the promise of redemption stated in verse 15. It is a divine provision in response to Adam’s faith in verse 20.

 

Death has come into the world, but death (Christ’s death represented by the death of the animals God kills to provide them clothing) will ultimately bring salvation. And, because marriage is a picture of that hope and the struggle of waiting for it (as well as all the other reasons we’ve seen) marriage is hard.