Why Marriage Is Hard [part one]
This morning I am going to preach on a topic I must tell you I am not an expert on: Marriage. Specifically, I am going to focus on some of the reasons marriage can be hard. I’m not going to teach you how to have a good marriage, because I’m sure many of you know that better than I do. I’m not going to tell you all of the ways a marriage can be wonderful, though it certainly can be. And, I’m absolutely not going to tell you who should do what in your marriage. Your bills are your bills. Your jobs are your jobs. Your children are your children. I’m not even going to suggest to you that being married is better than not being married. That really depends on two factors I have no influence over: 1) who you are married to, & 2) who your spouse is married to.
Instead, we’re going to look at some of the foundational reasons marriage takes so much work. And, I believe that in doing so we will be building a foundation upon which to investigate all of those other issues and questions. I considered trying to describe what a marriage should be in this sermon, but I’m still figuring that out. Besides which, I believe this approach will be more constructive and hopefully encouraging.
Of course, this sermon isn’t just for married people. This sermon is also for people who have already been married, people who may one day be married, people who know someone who is married, people who may not know someone who is married, and people who are either male or female. May I have a show of hands? Is there anyone I missed?
Ok. So, how is it possible for a sermon about marriage to be for everyone, even people who may never be married? Well, I’m glad you asked! It’s simply because it seems like the hardest parts of our marriages come as a result of being either males or females in a relationship with a member of the opposite gender. And, those cross-gender-relationship dynamics are not limited to the marriage relationship. They apply to everyone.
Of course, this is not a simple subject, and I want you to remember that we aren’t going to address everything about why our marriages can be difficult in a single sermon. In fact, I’m not sure we are even going to finish this single sermon in one sitting. I simply want to get us started on a path to understanding what causes some of the dynamics we often find so confusing, even frustrating, in a particular member of the opposite sex.
So, I guess we’d better get going, and what better place to begin than “In the beginning”? Well, almost the beginning: Genesis 1:26
GOD
We are created in God’s image, both male and female. What does this imply about our nature as people? Well, in the context of the creation story, what do we know about God so far?
1) He is impressively creative (v.1)
2) He is innately spiritual (v.2)
3) He speaks and His words have power (v.3) – His Word commands fulfillment.
4) He judges/discerns/divides between different things:
a) good and (we must presume until 2:18) notgood
b) light and dark
c) water and air, etc.
5) He gives life (v.11, 20)
6) He establishes governances (v.16-18) – God delegates.
7) He desires others whom He can relate to (v.26)
Read Genesis 1:27-31
CREATION
The creation story in Chapter One emphasizes the equality of women and men (v.27)
1) Both are created in God’s image (or perhaps both together?)
2) He gives dominion to both – We represent God to creation (As Olivia and I represent God to our dog Gracey)
3) He speaks to both the man and the woman
4) With humanity on the scene it is very good.
Read Genesis 2:1-3
So, now we know something else about God, and thus ourselves as created in His image.
8) God takes breaks. He enjoys what He has made (as in 3:8 which follows)
Read Genesis 2:4-6
What follows is a complementary creation account. There are some who believe these two stories contradict each other, but I think they just aren’t really reading them. They serve two distinct purposes, and reflect two different perspectives. Reading them both is like looking through both ends of a telescope. The first story is about GOD and CREATION. The second story is about US. It provides more details about our creation and more specifics about our roles as people, as men, and as women.
By the way, “day” in verse 4 is the generic use of the term yom which is also used in Chapter One’s account, but is defined by the phrase “the evening and the morning” as a 24 hour period of time. (There are some interesting physics involved related to the nature of time and the speed of light and why the universe looks so old, but what it all comes down to is the scientific confirmation of seven 24-hour time periods.)
Read Genesis 2:7-9. And, then it describes the rivers of Eden.
MAN
Dust + Breathe = Living Male Human Being. What does it mean for a man to be described by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit here as both dust and breathe, or flesh and spirit? Of course, this distinction has been corrupted by the Fall, but it does seem to me that men, whom God establishes even in this chapter as the spiritual leader of the family unit are also generally much more earthy than women. Isn’t it interesting that men, in particular, battle the desires of their flesh? Also, we’re generally less complicated and often more practical. We’re fighters, rocks (rock-headed?), crude, rough, plain and simple, and (well) DIRTY.
Of course, there are exceptions, but generally speaking, men are rougher, tougher, and more conflicted in the battle between the dust of the earth and the breathe of God.
These verses also set the stage for the rest of the story and remind us of the harmony that has now been lost. But, they may also be a picture of what is at stake even now.
Read Genesis 2:15-17
Verse 15 describes the man’s job. This is not the same as the “dominion” given to both the man and the woman in Chapter One. What we see here in Chapter Two is specific work given to the man. It is how he is to exercise his particular position as the male representative of the image of God.
He is to tend and to keep. This will also be his role in his marriage relationship. The man is called to tend to his wife and to keep her (as in keep watch over not keep locked up).
Some people mistakenly believe that the different roles of men and women are a result of male-dominated historical processes, the suppression of women, or even the Fall itself. And all of these historical realities have a place in the conversation. But, what we see here is that from the very beginning, before all of those things, men and woman are just different and are intended to be that way in their persons, in their thinking, and in their actions.
There is, of course, also the mention in these verses of a restriction. There is one rule, one forbidden fruit, one test of loyalty to the Creator. And, it is that very fruit which we know will be our downfall. However, at this point in the story, the fruit is merely a foreshadowing of possibilities.
In fact, it isn’t even the only possibility. Remember, there are 2 special trees in the center of the garden. But, only one of them (the tree of the knowledge of good and evil) is restricted. The other tree is not forbidden (at least not until after the Fall). The tree of life was available to our ancestors. It was a real option. I wonder what would have happened if they had eaten from that fruit instead?
C.S. Lewis wondered the same thing. In fact, he wrote a book about it. It is called Perelandra (the 2ndbook of his Space Trilogy), and it replays the garden scene under the canopy of Venus, asking the same question we are asking now in the story we are reading now: What choice will they make?
Sometimes, because we know the choice they will make, we forget that it was actually a real choice. And, so far, they haven’t made it. The mention of the two trees is a reminder that the way things are wasn’t the way they had to be.
God wants us to have life. It was right there, hanging on the end of the branch. But, He is also God. He requires our obedience. How else would He know whether or not we really love Him? Actually, I guess He would know. Perhaps the real question is: How else would WE know whether or not we really love Him?
Read Genesis 2:18-20
HELPER
For the first time, we hear the LORD say something is “not good”. And what is it? It’s us – alone.
Now, I’m sure this verse is about men and women needing each other. or, at least, men needing women. But, I don’t think that’s the whole point. it may not even be the main point.
As human beings, we are created in the image of a relational God: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. We were created to relate to that God, who also didn’t want to be alone. And, we were created to relate to others like ourselves.
So, when the text says, “It is not good that man should be alone,” it’s talking about our human nature. We are meant to live life together! In fact, I challenge you to find anyone in Scripture that God called to live a life of solitude apart from other people. We need each other. It’s in our DNA. It’s who we are. We’re just made that way.
The following verses are not meant to confuse us as to the order of creation. They are intended to convince us that there was no “suitable” helper for the man in all of creation. There was no other creature whom the LORD had made who could be a companion to the man in the way he really needed, in the way that answered his “not good” situation. Not a dog. Not a lion. Not an elephant. Not a Brachiosaurus. Not even a monkey! It was as if he alone in all the world had no companion, which was basically the situation.
Now, before we actually get to the woman, let’s take a moment to consider what God was looking for. What does he mean “a helper comparable to him”? Or, in some translations, “a helper fit for him” or “a suitable companion to help him” or even a helper “found as his complement”?
Please allow me to share an extended quote from blogger Sharon Miller:
“In this passage, God creates Eve as a “helper” for Adam. It is because of these verses that the Church has long taught wives to be “helpers” to their husbands. But what exactly does that mean? Help him with what? With keeping the house clean? Making dinner? Tending the garden? Naming animals??
There are a lot of different ways to interpret this passage, so the best approach is to look at how the word “helper” is used elsewhere in Scripture. Interestingly, “helper” (the Hebrew word is ezer) appears numerous times throughout the Old Testament, and it oftentimes refers to God Himself (Examples: Exodus 18:4, Deut. 33:7, Psalm 20:2, etc.). Right away, that tells us that this word has an extremely positive connotation. But what does it mean on a more practical level?
To answer this question I found a helpful explanation from a Bible scholar, Linda Belleville, that offered the following interpretation:
“All of the other occurrences of ezer in the OT have to do with the assistance that one of strength offers to one in need (ie., help from God, the king, an ally, or an army). There is no exception…Help given to one in need fits Genesis 2:18-20 quite well. The male’s situation was that of being ‘alone,’ and God’s evaluation was that it was ‘not good.’ The woman was hence created to relieve the man’s aloneness through strong partnership.”
Belleville then responds to interpretations that understand the word “helper” as little more than a term of subordination. She does this by pointing to Ezekiel 12 in which Judah is “helped” by allies in its defense against Babylon:
“Judah’s allies would hardly have thought of themselves as Judah’s subordinates…When Jerusalem was besieged by the Babylonians and Egypt came to the city’s ‘help,’ it was [as] one with superior strength (Isa. 30:5). “ (Two Views on Women in Ministry, p. 27-28)
While these examples from Scripture are not evidence that women are somehow stronger or better than men, they do remind us that there are areas in which wives offer strengths that their husbands do not have–and vice versa. We help our husbands when we make use of our God-given strengths.
I should also add that I particularly love the above example from Ezekiel. It reminds me that, as a married couple, we are not simply playing house together. We are warriors in a spiritual battle (Eph. 6:12) and it’s my role as a wife to help my husband in that battle. “Helping” him is not a passive activity, and it has a much larger scope with far greater weight than I often remember.
Dr. R. David Freedman, a specialist in Semitic languages says, “The Hebrew word ezer is a combination of two roots: `-z-r, meaning ‘to rescue, to save,’ and g-z-r, meaning ‘to be strong.’
Actually, this word ezer isn’t that common. It is only used 21 times in the Bible. It is used twice to describe Eve, and thus a woman’s role in the marriage relationship. It is used 3 times in a military context. And, it is used sixteen times to describe God! This word is anything but traditional and subservient!
The attending word “suitable” (kenegdo) describes a corresponding companion and partner. It holds no sense of subordination.
So, now that we know what we’re looking for... Or rather, now that we know what God was showing Adam (and us) could not be found in anything else He had created… let’s keep reading.
Read Genesis 2:21-23
WOMAN
The woman’s creation is different than the man’s. In fact, it’s different than anything God has done so far. Sure, God’s creation of man was more personal than His creation-by-voice for the rest of the universe. God created man with his own hands from the dust of the earth and breathed His own life into him. But, here He goes a step further. Here, we see God as more than a creator, more than a craftsman. Here, God is a surgeon, a fashioner and molder of flesh and bone. In the creation of the woman, God is a compassionate artist.
Notice also that the woman is created from Adam’s rib. She is his equal, taken neither from his head to be over him, nor from his foot to be his stepping-stool. But, she is created for him, and not the other way around. She belongs to him. She comes from close to his heart.
Perhaps Proverb 18:22 has this image in mind when it says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” I’m sure any husband knows that it doesn’t always feel that way when you are married. But, I hope that most marriages do have that moment of belonging, that sense of having found your lost rib and holding it close to your side so you can feel it respond to the beating of your heart. In the best moments of our marriage I know I’ve felt that.
Notice also that the woman is presented by God as a gift to the man. She is a treasure, a surprise, a mystery.
Adam was just doing his work, ruling the world for God and naming the animals. He was tired after a long morning and needed to take a nap. He finds a nice shady spot (I imagine it being near a stream, with the broke laughing in the background as its waters make their very first journey to the sea). He yawns, stretches, smiles at God’s sense of humor as he considers a nearby animal he’s just named “Platypus”, and then closes his eyes. The next thing he knows he wakes up to the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen in his life. “WOE! MAN!”
Adam claims his bride, this gift from God, right away. His first words are, “Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!”
Well, sort of. Actually, he’s a little more poetic than most guys. But remember, he’s also living before the Fall. He says:
This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.
Viola! Mankind’s first love song!
Just a note to the guys here: There is now no excuse for not tying to romance your wives. In fact, if we can start seeing our wives the way Adam saw Eve, I’m sure we’ll shortly be taking guitar lessons, or dance lessons, or whatever it takes to let her know what “you belong to me” is supposed to feel like.
Of course, sometimes it’s hard to see Eve, isn’t it? But, we haven’t gotten there yet. I warned you this might be a two part sermon!
But, we aren’t done yet. We’re still setting the stage. So, before we finish part one of this sermon I want to at least get to the end of the chapter.
Read Genesis 2:24
In preparing this sermon, I saw something in verse 24 that I’d never seen before: sacrifice. Even before sin, before the Fall, before we got kicked out of the Garden… the man is called to lay down his life for his bride. He’s got to give up his life in order to join himself to here.
When we first read these words they really don’t seem to fit.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.”
Ok? Well, Adam didn’t have a human father, just God. He didn’t have a mother. All’s he’s got is his new-and-improved Rib, Eve Version 2.0. Not only that, but when we see the word THEREFORE, we’re supposed to figure out what it’s THERE FOR, right? Well, I don’t get it! What’s the “therefore” about?
I think I’ve figured it out a little. The principle of sacrifice is what’s in view here. Adam is establishing a pattern, one that reflects his own willingness to cherish, value, protect, and give up everything he has for the woman who is trusting him with her most precious possession (her SELF).
After all, I guess she could have said no, right? “Sorry bud. Nice poem, but you really aren’t my type. I think I’m wait a while and see if anything better comes along. Oh, and by the way, you’ve got hair in some really weird places.” It could have happened right?
But, it didn’t. Why? I think Eve (of course she isn’t called Eve yet, but that’s for next week [maybe] J)… I think the woman saw something in Adam that she needed as well: someone to lay it all down for her. His actions showed no hesitation, no doubt, only welcome, love, desire, and belonging. He wanted her as his own because that’s exactly what God made her for. He knew he needed her, and he wasn’t shy about it. THEREFORE he sets the ultimate example. THEREFORE the principle is established: Being a husband requires sacrifice. It always has and it always will.
There’s one more idea here this morning: Read Genesis 2:25
TOGETHER
No secrets. No shame. Total Unity.
Well, we haven’t even gotten to the trouble yet, and I think we can already see where some of our own trouble comes from. This stuff reads sort of like a fairytale, doesn’t it?
He’s a self-sacrificing poet with a great job. She’s a strong companion, helping him fulfill his destiny as they rule over God’s perfect creation together. They don’t fight. They don’t get their feelings hurt. They are both creative, both spiritual, both discerning, both healthy… They are both “very good”. There’s only one rule for them, and so far that hasn’t even come up.
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