Yearning: Deeper Than Ever
The first time Olivia saw Micah face to face was so different than what I am looking at right now.
They brought Olivia through the back entrance to the NICU on her bed on the way from Labor and Delivery to the Recovery floor only a half-dozen hours after Micah was born. (The transporter wasn't very good at steering, and he ran my sweet wife into the wall more than once.) Micah was in her incubator, and Olivia couldn't quite see her. She sat up as high as possible and leaned over as far as she could but still couldn't quite see inside. I could see the panic starting to build in her. After all, this was to be their first meeting. I thought she was going to cry, because her heart yearned for our little Ahava.
Today, she holds her skin to skin. No bed barrier. No IV pole banging into things. No steering issues. Nothing separates them physically. Even the CPAP Micah needs for breathing is easy to see past. Micah is learning to know Olivia, and Olivia is learning to know Micah. Today, Olivia felt our daughters pulse in her wrist for the first time! And the heart yearning I mentioned? Is it satisfied? Not at all! It is stronger, deeper, richer... it grows every day in Olivia.
In fact, it grows in all of us. We long for each other. We want to be together more with each day of increasing familiarity. We yearn for each other.
Micah knows our voices. I really think she knows our presence, even when we don't speak. She looks for us when we walk away to talk to a doctor or nurse. She misses us when we are gone, and is never more comfortable as she is right now, "Nuggled" in her Mama's arms. Olivia is her Home, just as I knew she was mine when I asked her to marry me. Micah wants us all to be together. So does Olivia. So do I.
Micah is doing well; better than they anticipated. She has switched fortifiers (supplements to Olivia's milk) based on Micah's changing needs, and the result has been a change in her stool and some discomfort (not to mention a really sad looking first case of diaper-rash). But, she needs the added minerals and calories. We are still fighting against nature in some ways. Micah needs this stuff. It makes her uncomfortable. It feels unnatural. It gives her gas and a diaper-rash (which they are very creative about treating). But, she needs it. There truly isn't a better option (and believe me, we have made them prove that to us).
Otherwise, she is doing really well: She finally finished her antibiotics. She continues to grow and gain weight. She is resting well on a regular basis. Her eye exams continue to look good. She can lift and turn her head from one side to the other. She is handling stimulation very well. She likes having her hair washed (but isn't a big fan of the rest of the bath). She follows you with her eyes, smiles, and makes sounds just because she can. She would rather be held than be in her bed and is learning to calm herself down. She is definitely not the smallest, or most critical, baby in the way. Today she is even getting her fingernails cut!
It feels like we are right there; right on the edge of completing this phase of our journey. But, in so many ways we still have a long road ahead of us. Micah has fewer transitions to make, but they can be longer in the making. There are still goals, still obstacles, still trials and tests in our future. And, she still makes our heart sometimes (like when her O2 goes down for no apparent reason). Monday she will go down even further on her CPAP pressure, and if that goes well we may be changing to the next breathing device (vapotherm) by Thursday or Friday. After that, she will really be able to try breastfeeding.
For us, the progress is wonderful, but not easy. It is hard to feel so attached and so separated. It is harder and harder to leave. For me, it is sometimes harder to be here. Micah is so close, yet has so far to go. Olivia is stronger, and is able to do more. As she grows stronger, I find myself wondering what I need to be doing now. It is hard to relax; difficult to have down time for the first time since we got here. I feel the weight of preparing for home, but my heart is still hanging out in this little plastic bed surrounded by lights and beeping. It is harder, not because we are worried for Micah (She is great!), but because the yearning only intensifies; it only gets stronger. The yearning makes this harder, even as it makes it the only place I really want to be.
We are in such a different place than we were 2 1/2 months ago. (I hardly remember life before that!) So many barriers have been removed. So many obstacles overcome. God is in control, and perhaps we need this, but it can still make us uncomfortable. We are living life skin to skin, and our hearts continue to yearn for more.
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| Right Now |
They brought Olivia through the back entrance to the NICU on her bed on the way from Labor and Delivery to the Recovery floor only a half-dozen hours after Micah was born. (The transporter wasn't very good at steering, and he ran my sweet wife into the wall more than once.) Micah was in her incubator, and Olivia couldn't quite see her. She sat up as high as possible and leaned over as far as she could but still couldn't quite see inside. I could see the panic starting to build in her. After all, this was to be their first meeting. I thought she was going to cry, because her heart yearned for our little Ahava.
Today, she holds her skin to skin. No bed barrier. No IV pole banging into things. No steering issues. Nothing separates them physically. Even the CPAP Micah needs for breathing is easy to see past. Micah is learning to know Olivia, and Olivia is learning to know Micah. Today, Olivia felt our daughters pulse in her wrist for the first time! And the heart yearning I mentioned? Is it satisfied? Not at all! It is stronger, deeper, richer... it grows every day in Olivia.
In fact, it grows in all of us. We long for each other. We want to be together more with each day of increasing familiarity. We yearn for each other.
Micah knows our voices. I really think she knows our presence, even when we don't speak. She looks for us when we walk away to talk to a doctor or nurse. She misses us when we are gone, and is never more comfortable as she is right now, "Nuggled" in her Mama's arms. Olivia is her Home, just as I knew she was mine when I asked her to marry me. Micah wants us all to be together. So does Olivia. So do I.
Micah is doing well; better than they anticipated. She has switched fortifiers (supplements to Olivia's milk) based on Micah's changing needs, and the result has been a change in her stool and some discomfort (not to mention a really sad looking first case of diaper-rash). But, she needs the added minerals and calories. We are still fighting against nature in some ways. Micah needs this stuff. It makes her uncomfortable. It feels unnatural. It gives her gas and a diaper-rash (which they are very creative about treating). But, she needs it. There truly isn't a better option (and believe me, we have made them prove that to us).
Otherwise, she is doing really well: She finally finished her antibiotics. She continues to grow and gain weight. She is resting well on a regular basis. Her eye exams continue to look good. She can lift and turn her head from one side to the other. She is handling stimulation very well. She likes having her hair washed (but isn't a big fan of the rest of the bath). She follows you with her eyes, smiles, and makes sounds just because she can. She would rather be held than be in her bed and is learning to calm herself down. She is definitely not the smallest, or most critical, baby in the way. Today she is even getting her fingernails cut!
It feels like we are right there; right on the edge of completing this phase of our journey. But, in so many ways we still have a long road ahead of us. Micah has fewer transitions to make, but they can be longer in the making. There are still goals, still obstacles, still trials and tests in our future. And, she still makes our heart sometimes (like when her O2 goes down for no apparent reason). Monday she will go down even further on her CPAP pressure, and if that goes well we may be changing to the next breathing device (vapotherm) by Thursday or Friday. After that, she will really be able to try breastfeeding.
For us, the progress is wonderful, but not easy. It is hard to feel so attached and so separated. It is harder and harder to leave. For me, it is sometimes harder to be here. Micah is so close, yet has so far to go. Olivia is stronger, and is able to do more. As she grows stronger, I find myself wondering what I need to be doing now. It is hard to relax; difficult to have down time for the first time since we got here. I feel the weight of preparing for home, but my heart is still hanging out in this little plastic bed surrounded by lights and beeping. It is harder, not because we are worried for Micah (She is great!), but because the yearning only intensifies; it only gets stronger. The yearning makes this harder, even as it makes it the only place I really want to be.
We are in such a different place than we were 2 1/2 months ago. (I hardly remember life before that!) So many barriers have been removed. So many obstacles overcome. God is in control, and perhaps we need this, but it can still make us uncomfortable. We are living life skin to skin, and our hearts continue to yearn for more.
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