The Covering
I've made a lot of poor choices in my life. I've been selfish when I should have been giving. I've been angry would I should have been content. I've been jealous when I should have been rejoicing for someone else's good fortune. I've lied to, used, and neglected people in my past, when I should have treasured and valued them. I've fought when I should have reconciled. I've exploited when I should have protected. Again and again, I've chosen myself over others and my way over God's way.
Most of my biggest regrets in this regard are further in the past, when I was younger and still figuring out what it meant to become a man. I still make mistakes, and I've made some big ones, even since Olivia and I got married (5 years, 10 months, and almost 22 days ago). But, for some reason it's those bad choices from my formative years that are keeping me up tonight: High School, College Undergrad, even Junior High. They keep playing over and over in my mind. I my rehearsals, I keep doing the right thing, instead of the thing I actually did, and wondering what would have happened next.
Yet, as the thoughts role in my mind with no end, I discover there are two realities I cannot escape; two things I would never want to change: 1) Olivia, 2) Micah. My path has led me here, to this moment, to these two women. And, I wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
Perhaps, I could have gotten here without some of those choices. I'm sure I didn't need to get in that fight in High School for Olivia to fall in love with me 14 years later. Perhaps not? After all, the slight deviation in my septum that my sweet wife finds so amusing was a result of that fight. :-) Actually, I am sure that there are hundreds of those moments in my life I could have done without and still ended up in this place that I love, because this is the place God wanted me to get to, and (generally) I wanted to be where He wanted me to be..
So, why are they keeping me up? Why after hearing a good midnight report about Micah's progress and praying for a successful pic line insertion tomorrow (after a dozen failures today!)... why is it that these long forgotten moments are stealing the sleep I so desperately need? They are all forgiven (at least by God), because I've confessed them. They were all part of the road that led me here (which brings some redemption to them). They are all part of the man I've become.
Maybe that's it. They are part of who I am. Yet, they are the very sort of things I want to protect Micah from. I don't want her to make the same choices I did. I don't want others to make those choices against her. My inclination is to protect her. The idea isn't "sheltered" exactly (although there is more good to that idea than bad), more like "covered." Yes, that's the word: covered! That's the idea God is trying to impress upon me tonight. As her daddy, Micah needs my covering.
That may be a little hard to follow, so let me explain: For good or bad, God has determined that I am the head of my household. I am sure there are lots of reasons for this, and I'm also sure I don't know much about what they are. I, the husband, the father, have the responsibility to leading my home and raising my children to fear and love God. I am the covering.
It's my job to shield her where I wasn't shielded (and where I was). It's my responsibility to warn her where I wasn't warned, to guide her where I wasn't guided, and even to constrain her where I wasn't constrained (and, again, in many of the places where I was). Our world tells us that our children need self-discovery, freedom, and exploration. This is how they told our parents to parent us, and for the most part our parents believed them.
As a whole, we weren't told to turn the other cheek, that pornography (in all its forms) is evil, that pre-marital sex was always wrong, that we need to consider others as more important than ourselves, that the "in-crowd" you spend all your teen years trying to become part of doesn't matter at all. We weren't told about Truth, because someone told our parents we needed "freedom" instead of covering. And now, people my age, whose children are entering Junior High and High School, have even less of an idea how to cover there children (or even that they need to) and the picture looming before my daughter looks bleak.
On the other hand, the Bible tells us that boundaries, guidance, and nurturing. Covering.
I joked once that of all the things I ever did, I most regretted the things I hadn't done. Depending on how you look at it, I guess this is still true. I wish I'd stood up for that kid in 7th grade. I wish I'd left that party before being cornered into a fight. I wish I'd talked to that guy who thought I was trying to steel his ex-girlfriend. I wish I'd been kind in those moments, giving at those opportunities, loving, encouraging, and other-focused when I could have been. I wish I'd been more like Jesus. But, I wasn't.
I dont' want Micah to look back on her life that way. I want to teach her that all of those choices matter (even if she still gets to the future God wants for her without them) because they become part of who she is as an image-bearer of Christ. I want to give her the chance to learn from all of those mistakes I made, so she doesn't have to make them herself. I want to keep learning from the mistakes of others for the same reason. I want Micah to look back at those formative years and see more of Jesus than I do when I look back on mine, because becoming more like Jesus is the whole point of life anyway.
Of course, Micah will still make mistakes and bad choices. We all do, and it's part of what enables God's glory to be seen in our lives. But, I am her daddy. And as her daddy, I not only have the responsibility, I have the deep desire to be her covering.
So, I guess the reason I couldn't sleep tonight was so I could figure some of this out early on rather than in 13 (or 30) years. The reality of how much she needs me now only serves to remind me of the hundreds and hundreds of reasons she will always need me.
I am her daddy. I am the covering.
Most of my biggest regrets in this regard are further in the past, when I was younger and still figuring out what it meant to become a man. I still make mistakes, and I've made some big ones, even since Olivia and I got married (5 years, 10 months, and almost 22 days ago). But, for some reason it's those bad choices from my formative years that are keeping me up tonight: High School, College Undergrad, even Junior High. They keep playing over and over in my mind. I my rehearsals, I keep doing the right thing, instead of the thing I actually did, and wondering what would have happened next.
Yet, as the thoughts role in my mind with no end, I discover there are two realities I cannot escape; two things I would never want to change: 1) Olivia, 2) Micah. My path has led me here, to this moment, to these two women. And, I wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
Perhaps, I could have gotten here without some of those choices. I'm sure I didn't need to get in that fight in High School for Olivia to fall in love with me 14 years later. Perhaps not? After all, the slight deviation in my septum that my sweet wife finds so amusing was a result of that fight. :-) Actually, I am sure that there are hundreds of those moments in my life I could have done without and still ended up in this place that I love, because this is the place God wanted me to get to, and (generally) I wanted to be where He wanted me to be..
So, why are they keeping me up? Why after hearing a good midnight report about Micah's progress and praying for a successful pic line insertion tomorrow (after a dozen failures today!)... why is it that these long forgotten moments are stealing the sleep I so desperately need? They are all forgiven (at least by God), because I've confessed them. They were all part of the road that led me here (which brings some redemption to them). They are all part of the man I've become.
Maybe that's it. They are part of who I am. Yet, they are the very sort of things I want to protect Micah from. I don't want her to make the same choices I did. I don't want others to make those choices against her. My inclination is to protect her. The idea isn't "sheltered" exactly (although there is more good to that idea than bad), more like "covered." Yes, that's the word: covered! That's the idea God is trying to impress upon me tonight. As her daddy, Micah needs my covering.
That may be a little hard to follow, so let me explain: For good or bad, God has determined that I am the head of my household. I am sure there are lots of reasons for this, and I'm also sure I don't know much about what they are. I, the husband, the father, have the responsibility to leading my home and raising my children to fear and love God. I am the covering.
It's my job to shield her where I wasn't shielded (and where I was). It's my responsibility to warn her where I wasn't warned, to guide her where I wasn't guided, and even to constrain her where I wasn't constrained (and, again, in many of the places where I was). Our world tells us that our children need self-discovery, freedom, and exploration. This is how they told our parents to parent us, and for the most part our parents believed them.
As a whole, we weren't told to turn the other cheek, that pornography (in all its forms) is evil, that pre-marital sex was always wrong, that we need to consider others as more important than ourselves, that the "in-crowd" you spend all your teen years trying to become part of doesn't matter at all. We weren't told about Truth, because someone told our parents we needed "freedom" instead of covering. And now, people my age, whose children are entering Junior High and High School, have even less of an idea how to cover there children (or even that they need to) and the picture looming before my daughter looks bleak.
On the other hand, the Bible tells us that boundaries, guidance, and nurturing. Covering.
I joked once that of all the things I ever did, I most regretted the things I hadn't done. Depending on how you look at it, I guess this is still true. I wish I'd stood up for that kid in 7th grade. I wish I'd left that party before being cornered into a fight. I wish I'd talked to that guy who thought I was trying to steel his ex-girlfriend. I wish I'd been kind in those moments, giving at those opportunities, loving, encouraging, and other-focused when I could have been. I wish I'd been more like Jesus. But, I wasn't.
I dont' want Micah to look back on her life that way. I want to teach her that all of those choices matter (even if she still gets to the future God wants for her without them) because they become part of who she is as an image-bearer of Christ. I want to give her the chance to learn from all of those mistakes I made, so she doesn't have to make them herself. I want to keep learning from the mistakes of others for the same reason. I want Micah to look back at those formative years and see more of Jesus than I do when I look back on mine, because becoming more like Jesus is the whole point of life anyway.
Of course, Micah will still make mistakes and bad choices. We all do, and it's part of what enables God's glory to be seen in our lives. But, I am her daddy. And as her daddy, I not only have the responsibility, I have the deep desire to be her covering.
So, I guess the reason I couldn't sleep tonight was so I could figure some of this out early on rather than in 13 (or 30) years. The reality of how much she needs me now only serves to remind me of the hundreds and hundreds of reasons she will always need me.
I am her daddy. I am the covering.
Father God, help me be more like you.
Turn regret into wisdom, and responsibility into promise.
Make me a covering fit for your work in Micah's life.
Comments