Micah's Trial
Today we are entering our first big trial: Micah is having a hard time exchanging oxygen for carbon dioxide. The problem appears to be limited to her lungs, rather than her blood flow or to the gestational valve between the upper two chambers of her heart. The PDA they treated earlier was also checked, and is still nicely closed. There is also no indication of infection. For us, this means that she requires a noticeable increase in machine support. Her lungs simply do not have the surface area they need to supply her blood with oxygen otherwise. The doctor and nurse explained today that all they can do is help her ride through this until she grows. Considering 1) a good rate of growth would be about half an ounce per day and 2) she needs to gain 24 ounces to reach 3 pounds, this will be a long trial! (6-8 weeks of "very high highs and very low lows")
This lung development and growth issue is a major reason for the high mortality rate among children born at the gestational age Micah was at when she was born. However, 10 years ago the statistics were much worse (over 90%), so no one is giving up yet. This is something all babies her age go through. There are no surprises here for the doctors or nurses, though it is all a shock to us. So I find myself here, realizing that these few good and bad days could really be all we have with her. I don't believe they will be, I really don't, but it is a disturbing thought none the less. She is so strong. She has such a spirit in her. Olivia and I love her so much. But the odds are not particularly in her favor. There is no "out of the woods" moment coming anytime soon. At this point, the odds don't change just because she makes it through another day, or even another week. This is a "normal" part of the process; some children make it through this and others do not. I believe Micah will make it, but it is still hard to see her struggling.
I wonder if this is how God feels when He looks at us, when He watches us struggle? I wonder if it pains Him, if it makes Him feel helpless because this is the process that is required for us to grow into who we are intended to be. Dare we even imagine such a thing? Does He long to help us shortcut the pain and struggle? Does He wish there was an easier way to convert dust into immortality? After all, I know this is something Micah must do. She must grow, and until she does so she must be helped through and with discomfort to make it through each moment. The ventilator hurts, but without it she would die. The needles and monitoring devices are uncomfortable, but necessary. Without these days, there would be nothing afterwards, no tomorrow. Would I spare Micah the pain if I could? Absolutely. Would I spare her at the cost of her life, of her not becoming who God intends her to be? Never! Does that make me a bad Daddy, or does it teach me to become more like my Heavenly Father?
I trust God. I trust Him to know what needs to happen. We pray for ever nurse and every doctor who treats Micah to be just the right person for the job at that particular moment. We believe God's hand is at work in our daughter's life. We believe God is shaping dust into immortality. We also believe it hurts, and that breaks our hearts, so we pray for grace, for growth, and for Micah to have peace and rest in the midst of her trial. We love her, and we want this to be worth it.
No wonder it hurts God so much when we sinners reject His offer of grace. It isn't just that He made us, but that He loves us. He has suffered in our suffering. He has born with patience our pain and agony, hoping for an eternal reward for both parties. And then, because of His great loved, He bore our guilt as well. When that eternal relationship is rejected, I believe it pains God deeply. No wonder Jesus curses the fig tree when it fails to bear fruit in its season. God put a lot of work into that tree, or that sinner, and He expects a harvest.
Well, God has been putting a lot of work into Micah already. He has already answered so many prayers with favor just to get this far. She has been doing so well, and she has a special anointing on her life. She is already beating the odds. She has already been a testimony. None of this would be possible without God's hand being in it! How many of you have been praying differently (more like we all ought to perhaps) because of our daughter's life? I have. My life is more like it should have been because of the evidence of God's work in Micah Ahava. And no matter what happens, we will trust the Lord.
Maybe this process isn't just for Micah. Maybe it isn't something only she needs. Perhaps we need it as well? Perhaps we need to pray for this innocent little girl so that we can all become who God created us to be, whether we measure our life in days, in years, or even in decades. maybe Micah's trial is really a test for all of us? Maybe God's work can look like this?
This lung development and growth issue is a major reason for the high mortality rate among children born at the gestational age Micah was at when she was born. However, 10 years ago the statistics were much worse (over 90%), so no one is giving up yet. This is something all babies her age go through. There are no surprises here for the doctors or nurses, though it is all a shock to us. So I find myself here, realizing that these few good and bad days could really be all we have with her. I don't believe they will be, I really don't, but it is a disturbing thought none the less. She is so strong. She has such a spirit in her. Olivia and I love her so much. But the odds are not particularly in her favor. There is no "out of the woods" moment coming anytime soon. At this point, the odds don't change just because she makes it through another day, or even another week. This is a "normal" part of the process; some children make it through this and others do not. I believe Micah will make it, but it is still hard to see her struggling.
I wonder if this is how God feels when He looks at us, when He watches us struggle? I wonder if it pains Him, if it makes Him feel helpless because this is the process that is required for us to grow into who we are intended to be. Dare we even imagine such a thing? Does He long to help us shortcut the pain and struggle? Does He wish there was an easier way to convert dust into immortality? After all, I know this is something Micah must do. She must grow, and until she does so she must be helped through and with discomfort to make it through each moment. The ventilator hurts, but without it she would die. The needles and monitoring devices are uncomfortable, but necessary. Without these days, there would be nothing afterwards, no tomorrow. Would I spare Micah the pain if I could? Absolutely. Would I spare her at the cost of her life, of her not becoming who God intends her to be? Never! Does that make me a bad Daddy, or does it teach me to become more like my Heavenly Father?
I trust God. I trust Him to know what needs to happen. We pray for ever nurse and every doctor who treats Micah to be just the right person for the job at that particular moment. We believe God's hand is at work in our daughter's life. We believe God is shaping dust into immortality. We also believe it hurts, and that breaks our hearts, so we pray for grace, for growth, and for Micah to have peace and rest in the midst of her trial. We love her, and we want this to be worth it.
No wonder it hurts God so much when we sinners reject His offer of grace. It isn't just that He made us, but that He loves us. He has suffered in our suffering. He has born with patience our pain and agony, hoping for an eternal reward for both parties. And then, because of His great loved, He bore our guilt as well. When that eternal relationship is rejected, I believe it pains God deeply. No wonder Jesus curses the fig tree when it fails to bear fruit in its season. God put a lot of work into that tree, or that sinner, and He expects a harvest.
Well, God has been putting a lot of work into Micah already. He has already answered so many prayers with favor just to get this far. She has been doing so well, and she has a special anointing on her life. She is already beating the odds. She has already been a testimony. None of this would be possible without God's hand being in it! How many of you have been praying differently (more like we all ought to perhaps) because of our daughter's life? I have. My life is more like it should have been because of the evidence of God's work in Micah Ahava. And no matter what happens, we will trust the Lord.
Maybe this process isn't just for Micah. Maybe it isn't something only she needs. Perhaps we need it as well? Perhaps we need to pray for this innocent little girl so that we can all become who God created us to be, whether we measure our life in days, in years, or even in decades. maybe Micah's trial is really a test for all of us? Maybe God's work can look like this?
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