I will walk with you
I was ten when I first accepted Jesus as Lord. It was early March 1984, about a month after my birthday. Until then I’d been a normal church-attending kid. I went to class, sang songs, and colored or pretended as I sat through the sermon. It seems I always liked church, but when I turned ten I was suddenly struck with the need in my life for a savior and the reality of who Jesus really wanted to be in my own life.
We attended Abilene Bible Church at the time. It was still located on Butternut Street and I remember with particular clarity those few intervening Sunday mornings walking past the open stone Bible by the front door. I knew God was asking me to respond, and each time our family entered the church I was struck with uncertainty as I walked by that Bible. Likewise, I was filled with the shame and confussion of my rejection each time I left that building without responding to his call.
The matter demanded urgency, but was too important and life-altering to be rushed into without serious reflection. I was a thinker, even at that age. My heart, my mind, my life, and my eternal future was in limbo. What would I choose?
At last, somehow, I reached the point where I had to decide. Did I believe Jesus died for my sin?Did I believe he loved me?Did I believe the little I knew about who he said he was? Was I willing to surrender myself to those realitites?
Walking past the stone Bible on that March Sunday morning, I resolved that this day was to be the day of decision. I felt that if I didn’t choose him on that day, then I never would. I would not pass that Bible one more time undecided. But, what would I actually decide? Would I walk with this mysterious God?
I prayed then, more with feelings and raw emotion than with words. I prayed through my Sunday School class. I prayed through the songs, the rituals, and the sermon. I prayed therough the invitation and the first stanza of a song I knew but can no longer recall. I prayed for the courage to do what I knew I should do, what I wanted to do, to say “Yes!”
It was in that moment, when I had already decided to step out into the aisle on the first note of the hymn’s next stanza, that I thoguht about Hell for the first time. I’d not thoguht of Hell before, but even as it occurred to me what I was choosing against, I felt a stronger idea, “Just step out, and I will walk with you.” I stepped out. I vaguely recall the walk. With each step fear and uncertainty fell further behind. I reached the front. I stood. I had decided and I knew I had made the good choice.
I was invited to couselling with the pastor. I was baptized a week or so later. Being small for my age, I had to be lifted up so the congregation could see the scrawny convert. I was transformed. Jesus had saved me and the whole world now knew that I believed it. Jesus had become my Lord.
I don’t know what the Lord had planned for my life, but sometimes I get the notion that it must be something special. From the earliest days of my walk with the Lord I’ve been both under attack and protected. I’ve been both challenged and blessed. In my journey with Jesus I’ve struggled with insomnia, with generational sin, with an episode of sexual abuse, with pride and anger, and with personal inadequacy. I’ve also led ministries, travelled overseas as a missionary, worked multile jobs, fought hard for my marriage, buried two children, battled the evil within myself, and faced betrayal and abadonment. With grace, love, and time, Jesus has brought victory to each of these areas of my life.
Jesus has taught me to love, given me a passion for his Word, healed wounds in my heart, and allowed me to serve him in many contexts. He still invites me to walk with him. I still accept his invitation. I always will. If he leads me to a church ministry, I will follow. If he leaves me as a witness in the grocery business, I will walk with him there. If he calls me back overseas, I’ll be on the earliest flight I can find.
Right now God is calling me deeper, into a place of greater honesty, filling, integrity, and holiness. And, I’m walking with him into that place. I’m growing in my ability to lead our family. I’m reading the Scriptures, learning to pray and to fight spirutally, and growing in patience and thankfulness. I’m playing my guitar again, after a heartbroken season without it since our failed adoption last Christmas. I’ve accepted who I am and the challenge of what sort of man God has called me to be. I’m learning to wait upon the Lord.
We attended Abilene Bible Church at the time. It was still located on Butternut Street and I remember with particular clarity those few intervening Sunday mornings walking past the open stone Bible by the front door. I knew God was asking me to respond, and each time our family entered the church I was struck with uncertainty as I walked by that Bible. Likewise, I was filled with the shame and confussion of my rejection each time I left that building without responding to his call.
The matter demanded urgency, but was too important and life-altering to be rushed into without serious reflection. I was a thinker, even at that age. My heart, my mind, my life, and my eternal future was in limbo. What would I choose?
At last, somehow, I reached the point where I had to decide. Did I believe Jesus died for my sin?Did I believe he loved me?Did I believe the little I knew about who he said he was? Was I willing to surrender myself to those realitites?
Walking past the stone Bible on that March Sunday morning, I resolved that this day was to be the day of decision. I felt that if I didn’t choose him on that day, then I never would. I would not pass that Bible one more time undecided. But, what would I actually decide? Would I walk with this mysterious God?
I prayed then, more with feelings and raw emotion than with words. I prayed through my Sunday School class. I prayed through the songs, the rituals, and the sermon. I prayed therough the invitation and the first stanza of a song I knew but can no longer recall. I prayed for the courage to do what I knew I should do, what I wanted to do, to say “Yes!”
It was in that moment, when I had already decided to step out into the aisle on the first note of the hymn’s next stanza, that I thoguht about Hell for the first time. I’d not thoguht of Hell before, but even as it occurred to me what I was choosing against, I felt a stronger idea, “Just step out, and I will walk with you.” I stepped out. I vaguely recall the walk. With each step fear and uncertainty fell further behind. I reached the front. I stood. I had decided and I knew I had made the good choice.
I was invited to couselling with the pastor. I was baptized a week or so later. Being small for my age, I had to be lifted up so the congregation could see the scrawny convert. I was transformed. Jesus had saved me and the whole world now knew that I believed it. Jesus had become my Lord.
I don’t know what the Lord had planned for my life, but sometimes I get the notion that it must be something special. From the earliest days of my walk with the Lord I’ve been both under attack and protected. I’ve been both challenged and blessed. In my journey with Jesus I’ve struggled with insomnia, with generational sin, with an episode of sexual abuse, with pride and anger, and with personal inadequacy. I’ve also led ministries, travelled overseas as a missionary, worked multile jobs, fought hard for my marriage, buried two children, battled the evil within myself, and faced betrayal and abadonment. With grace, love, and time, Jesus has brought victory to each of these areas of my life.
Jesus has taught me to love, given me a passion for his Word, healed wounds in my heart, and allowed me to serve him in many contexts. He still invites me to walk with him. I still accept his invitation. I always will. If he leads me to a church ministry, I will follow. If he leaves me as a witness in the grocery business, I will walk with him there. If he calls me back overseas, I’ll be on the earliest flight I can find.
Right now God is calling me deeper, into a place of greater honesty, filling, integrity, and holiness. And, I’m walking with him into that place. I’m growing in my ability to lead our family. I’m reading the Scriptures, learning to pray and to fight spirutally, and growing in patience and thankfulness. I’m playing my guitar again, after a heartbroken season without it since our failed adoption last Christmas. I’ve accepted who I am and the challenge of what sort of man God has called me to be. I’m learning to wait upon the Lord.
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