Who I Am = What I Do? NO!

Olivia has gone to visit our family in Massachusetts this week before our much anticipated trip to Israel at the end of the month. We have a new niece, and Olivia has her hands full! Ilona and Isabella are amazing, and I can't wait to see then together. Unfortunately, I had to stay behind to work. I've also used this time to work on a couple of projects and think.

I've been wrestling with the work situation for quite a while now. I really want to be doing ministry, but that door doesn't seem to be opening. So, I find myself at the crossroads. I want to provide for my family. I want to be doing work in the Kingdom. I'm doing what I have to do, and most of the time I don't mind. I want to be doing something better.

I know I can be doing God's work wherever I am, and whatever I am employed to do (within certain limits). However, I also know myself, and I know what I've learned so far about what I'm made for. I'm good at my job, but it doesn't even begin to satisfy me. I'd be pretty good at just about any job if I tried. I'm a hard worker like that, as I think most people could be. I like the people and the company I work with, but it doesn't really touch who I am.

I'm not complaining, really I'm not. I'm just wrestling. I'm not even unhappy. In fact, I don't know when I've ever been as happy in my life as I am now (married to Olivia, planning our future, dreaming our dreams, facing our challenges,...). The job matters, but it isn't everything. My job is not who I am, it's just my job. Who I am shouldn't change based on where my paychecks come from.

So, my wrestling is not so much about self-identity, as you might suspect in a case like this. Rather, it is about the best way to provide for our family. Is there a way to provide financially, without neglecting Olivia (and Lord willing our children) emotionally? Can I earn and enjoy? What's the best fit for us right now?

My wrestling is also about Legacy. I want my kids and grandkids to know me, not just what I did. I want them to talk about who I was, not where I worked. I want them to remember my character, not only my checkbook. I want them to be proud of me and miss me as a whole person. And, I want Jesus to look over the bulk of my life and say, "Well done!" and "Good job, Bryan."

Is it possible to find that balance? I think it is. It may take some time. It may take a try or two. Eventually, I'll find my balance. Of course, at that point, God will probably come along and upset the equilibrium completely. :-) He does that, don't you know? God aparently has this idea that I should be dependant upon Him!

There's a line from The Ghost and the Darkness: "The struggle is the glory!" (I made my friends watch this movie with me before I moved to Africa so they'd remember to pray for me.) According to the script by William Goldman, these are the last words of Angus Starling, minister and missionary, about his commitment to bringing two other primary characters into the fold of faith.

Will my children say of me, "His struggle was glorious! He fought the good fight! He remained true to himself, to his family, and to God."? I hope they do. I hope God is glorified in my wrestling, even over such a small thing as this.