July 6, 2007 Confession

I have a confession to make: I'm not a very good person.
I know all of us fail, and all of us sin. I know we all make mistakes and hurt people. We all fall short of the glory of God, yada, yada... I also know myself in particular. I know my heart, my fear, my selfishness, my anger, my hurt, my pride, my uncertainty, my insecurity... I know Bryan, and trust me when I say I'm not a good person.
I was created in the image of God. I was born with the potential to glorify Him in every moment, which seems an impossibly lofty goal. This is God's standard. But failing that, as we all have, I also fail to make a good showing of the good I could do. I've made some really bad choices in my life. This week I have been searching them out, going back over 20 years trying to find my motivations, the things that lead me away from being the person I could have been. I can't change those things, but I need to deal with them. The search continues, but so far I've identified three: fear, pride, and anger.
How they manifest themselves and how they came to find a foothold in me I'll hold close, but the reality of their existence being hidden from me for so long has created quite a stir in my soul. I want to root them out, rebuke them, and cling to Jesus more closely than ever. I have nothing to fear but God, and He loves me. I have nothing to be proud of, because everything I have is His. I have nothing to be angry about, because I know what I deserved. I'm meditating on these realities, and on God's goodness and grace. It's not easy being this real, and I still fail, but I won't quit.
There may come a day when it will be false humilty (a form of pride) to say these things about myself, but it isn't today. For now, for my family, for my bride, for my friends, for myself, and for His Kingdom, I need to remember: I am not a very good person.

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